We have to clearly ... ... there is something that I can not stand with me: figure that appears on the balance!
A little background is necessary. When I came into the world I weighed 4.780 kg to 55cm, I was the biggest baby in the world of motherhood came naturally (meaning without IVF, but without an epidural and cesarean, my poor mom ...). All nurses from all services have come to see my mother always with the same thought "I had never seen one this big!".
My poor mother has started to see myself as something formless and too big so I had not even made my first rot! And throughout my childhood she got fucked in the plan. So much so that I always found ugly and deformed. I remember a conversation between her and my grandmother when I was 8 years
- My mother stops do eat like a cow as soon as I leave you, after I and deny all the efforts of the year are no longer useless!
- My grandmother, but no, it is well that child, you deprive the poor (addressing me) like my little cake and eat it will play!
- My mom: no Gauthier, stop eating!
(I leave the room with the cake)
- My grandmother, but it is not Clearly something must be done, other children will laugh, but it's not my job!
Fortunately adolescence arrived, and I grew up faster than I gained, and at the age of 15, I became very well proportioned, the sport that my parents forced me ; to do when I reluctantly ended up paying too (8 hours per week of swimming, it helps).
I get out of school at 17 with my degree in hand, I'm tall, somewhat muscular In short, I am beautiful for the first time in my life, and as a bonus I get rid of my acne pretty quickly. In short, when I get to college, so good. As I have the right to say shit to my parents since I am bachelor (I smoke in front of them, while my 12 years since I had to hide it), my first choice "adult" is to stop all forms of sport j'apparente to torture.
The result is not expected, is close to 18 years I quintal.
I decided to go on a diet for the first time in my life. The result is successful beyond expectations. I wanted to weigh 85 kg for 1m94, it is quite honorable. My plan was rather simple, I halved everything I ate, I removed the Coke, Nutella, cakes, and I went to 2 packs of smokes per day (my appetite the moment).
In three months I lost 15 pounds. Once at 85kg, I stop my diet officially, and I'm back to drinking coke and eating normally. But I continue to lose quickly. At 78kg I think it's weird and I'll talk to my doctor, he told me that the body needs to adjust after a diet and it is normal that I lose a little. I do not alarms me.
I just turned 19, I am beautiful like a heart, my sex life took off, I go into a frenzy of ass with a pace of two to three guys a week. I'm the star of gay box of Toulouse, the image of the ugly duckling in my childhood I was cleared.
Without realizing it really has, I still lose weight, I approach my 20 years with my parents down the war in full swing, they speak to me again, I no longer live at home for nearly one year (squatting right and left), and I end up taking off my formalize an apartment that I pay.
I work 35 hours per week, while going in and out over 5 nights a week. I 'm in a relationship with former asshole but I will at all wrong. I discovered the joys of mixing alcohol / drugs / Medoc. Asshole ex dropped me. And on the morning of my 21 years I go in girl pants at 34.
The summer of my 21 years, I have a stomach flu so violent, that I am obliged to call my parents to me in repatriating them, I am unable to make the path my bed to the bathroom without help ...
They call the doctor, he took my blood pressure with a sphygmomanometer child because my arm is too small. While I'm in half a coma, and he thinks I do not hear, he told my parents
- Doctor: he has not gained weight before the end of the summer we will have to think about the hospital, he may die of his illness!
- My mother, a stomach flu?
- Doctor: No, of anorexia!
In my heart, I know there is a problem, but I'm still around in the ice later in the day, I'll weigh myself, I have not done since More than a year, I weigh 59 kg (and I always measure 1m94).
I'm sick ...
I will spend the next two years to deceive, to my family, I am one who tries to gain weight, but when I'm alone, I do not eat, I actually fed on coca , cigs and vodka! I remember a reflection of my mother at a Christmas dinner "does not make me ashamed, you eat everything that comes out!", I was so inhibited that I have eaten, then vomited. ..
arrived at 22 years, I have taken only 3 kg, I go into clothing for little girls ... That was the year I really started to take all kinds product, before it was casual, then it becomes routine.
And then the accident happens, three weeks after I made the decision to stop the bullshit (hence grow and stop using drugs). That the accident that will seal the pact. A dietician will make me a protein diets, saying "people who break the jaw as you lose 5 kg on average, it is unimaginable that this happens to you, you would be in danger, so we'll stuff your face with fatty !.
And I'm stuffed, you need gain weight? I have lots of recipes that can help you. In a soup there was the equivalent of calories I ate in a week before ... (And after months to eat as soup, I have 3 years to be able to eat again ... enough is enough!)
8 months after I smashed my face on driving, I weigh 70kg. The gamble paid off ...
Between 2003 and 2005 I take the weight gradually, to reach 80kg. My ideal weight is 82, so good, I'm fine!
I'm going to live in Paris to finish my studies first months I find myself alone, and I compensate by eating, I oscillate between 82 and 86 until 2008. In short, nothing dramatic, just as I do gaffe a week to take 2 or 3 pounds and get into my jeans.
In 2008 I lost my footing, and even more in 2009, unemployment coupled with excessive release and the resumption of the drug (re-introduced gradually since 2006), I do well my weight stabilizes around 82kg. The appetite suppressant is more cigarettes (I quit a few months in 2006-2007, so I am to 5 cigs a day instead of daily 2 packs of yesteryear), but cocaine, much more effective way ...
And I do not really know why, but in 2010, for the first time since my diet in the year of my 18 years I found the sensation of hunger. Imagine, I had not been hungry for 10 years. For 10 years I am fed because he had to, and the feeling of hunger that everyone knows my home had become a kind of stomach cramp.
But in 2010 I'm hungry. And every time I eat, I have fun, more fun than kissing. So I eat ...
I remember when I was at the bottom of the weight curve, I enjoyed not eating! I inverted counters ...
So much so that I exceeded the 95kg, and I know that I am unable to stop eat. Yet I stand myself in the mirror, my sex life has taken quite a blow. I support it, how do you want me to give to others. I realized this week that it was 6 months I had not been dredged in box. Before I did dredge three to four times a night, and I distributed my phone at least one guy every night (which I kissed in the week).
Let us be clear, I'm not obese or even larger in the end, I even dressed very well, but I feel deformed again ...
The worst is that initially when I was just 2 or 3 pounds, I liked it, I passed my hand on my belly and I loved feeling the little bounce. But there is too much. I feel disgusting ...
And since I'm unemployed, while racing, I sleep 12 to 13 hours per night (day) and I'm two thick-cut between meals snacks. I have time to cook, and I'm not deprive ...
ago broke something good in me that I m'autodétruise like that, but then I reached a top: unable to go back to work, unable to watch my weight, unable to stop myself cramer nasal septum, unable to link me to someone, unable to be happy ...
I must find myself a shrink, but it Gave me to face all this, so I'll put your head under the pillow for some time and wait it out ...
